I hate when I slip into these self-pity phases. I know I’m better than this, but I can’t help but feel so fat and gross and unwanted right now.
I just wanna see him right now, and spend more than a few hours by his side. I just want the school year to be over already. I want to lose weight. I want to feel wanted again..
I really hope it’s not too soon or dorky to say something like this, but I really hope things work out with him. He’s literally the perfect fit for me, and I really hope I’m the same for him. I’m so comfortable around him, and there’s no pressure. And I love talking to him too. I forgot what it’s like to have a normal connection with someone, not being the other woman for once. I dig it.
I have a thing for guys with long hair lately. What’s wrong with me? I usually find it totally gross when their hair is as long as mine. But some guys just look… Sexy, with it.
I have pretty much gone through every situation possible with a guy. I’ve been “the other woman”, I’ve been with the popular boy, the nerd, the fat boy, the player, the sports guy, the buff guy, the quiet guy, I’ve had the best friend in love with me, I’ve been in the in love with the best friend, I’ve had many almost-relationships, I’ve been used, I’ve used, I’ve had many relationships destroyed over stupid things, I could go on and on for the situations I’ve been in. In the end, none of them have been even remotely in the same direction as working.
People always tell me “I promise it will get better and you’ll find someone (:” but I never get how someone could make such a huge promise. I’ve gotten thousands of responses. Like “You’re too young, you’ll find it later on” and “You don’t even know what love is”, that list could go on forever too. But how exactly can one know for sure that you’ll find something better? What if better isn’t exactly the best for you? How do we know when to give up or keep trying? What if by some horrid chance, there really isn’t something out there for you? No one can ever promise anyone true happiness. As much as we want to and hope to.
After going through everything but a good relationship, I don’t know what else I could do. All I get are boys I can’t fall in love with as much as I wish I could, and I get the boys who only pay attention to the wonders between my thighs. What exactly does a girl do then? I’ve had first kisses, one always better than the last (usually..). I’ve refused many guys my “special gift” until I can find a guy who plans on sticking around that I hope sticks around. What else more can a girl do?
Has society really come to you have to fuck in order to date? Of course there are guys who don’t think that, but it seems that you just can’t fall in love with them anyway. We want the bad boys who break us, we want the boys who show us what true rejection is. We want something we have to fight for. At least that’s how it is for me. We walk around saying certain things, acting a certain way and wearing certain things to attract a certain guy we know we can never get. And if we do get him, it’s either amazingly magic or horrifically painful in the end. Guess which one is more rare.
Call me pessimistic and any other thing you can think of, and hell, maybe I am. But I’ve had no proof that I should think of love in any other form. How are girls supposed to go around giving guys their all over and over again when boys are out for one thing and girls are out for another? It’s rare that the two meet up in the end equally. And don’t get me wrong, of course not every single guy is like this. But hell, it seems to be that more and more really are.
Relationship after relationship and yet it seems I never learn a thing. We go back to get hurt again, we go back to be used again, we go back to get abused again, yelled at, it could go on. Us, as humans, go back again and again to a person believing that maybe just maybe they will have changed from last time when in reality, the only person who probably changed was you. And not for the best.
I look around me for relationships that show love really can last, and 9 times out of 10, it seems to be untrue. Is there really any proof that love can last? Is it really true we will, in fact, find someone that makes our rainy days shine like the sun? Where’s the proof of why we should hold on to this true love and Mr. Right?
It’s every little girls dream to find the perfect person, and to grow up happily ever after when really, it’s better off just acting it out with your dollies.
I don’t what more I can say about love, as I’ve written many rants and rambles about love. In the end, I have yet to find the man I want to bring home, show my friends to, love all the time and get along with that I truly like. It seems so simple yet it’s such an impossible task. Me? I don’t know how much longer I can cling on to it.
Love, I truly don’t get it.